Friday, November 17, 2017

A post for myself.

Knowing myself I'd probably take this down after a while, but I feel like things won't get better if I leave things unsaid too. So here goes.

The past few weeks have not been great. My mental health has slipped beneath several cracks - after trying to ignore the problem for a long, long time. I'm trying my best, but it has been exhausting trying to be stronger than I feel. My soul is tired, my mind is tired, and I've reached a point I never thought I'd hit again after all these years. 

At night I sit in my bath, water too hot for my skin, too painful for relief; I try to let go of everything but my mind is intertwined and messy and tangled - if I remove the bad stuff I take away the good too and in time I may forget to feel. 

I've been taking pills to help me sleep but I know it is only but a temporary solution to a problem I have yet to fix. I'm trying. I really am. Sleep is not a solution if it's the soul that's weary.

Having only realised this after a clearer and calmer train of thought the next morning, two nights ago I experienced my first ever full-blown panic attack. It came out of nowhere, and there was nothing to trigger it other than an entire week of emotions that have compounded to that point. It is terrifying to not understand what was going on at that time, but even more so when you realise you have to get through the night on your own. The sense of helplessness was overwhelming, but above all else, it was incredibly lonely.

I'm still trying to find a way out of this mental fog so please, please be patient with me. I'm trying to be kinder to myself too.